Merlin

Thursdayevening,,almost 11 pm,,,and again all is quiet,,,even Merlin gave up eh : mom's on the computer,,,doesn't wanna play,,,so ,ok,,,
Cats love to sleep and they made it into an art. There is nothing more peaceful than a sleeping cat,,,it lays there, all relaxed,,,smiles even,,,not a worry in the world.
It just turns the switch and it is in a different world. A cat knows, without the shadow of doubt , that, at that certain moment in time ,nothing is gonna harm it,,,there are no faxmachines who will spit questions,,,no phones that hold problems,,,and most of all : no people that want something from ya,,,,
Just turn yaself into a lil ball,,,or even better, stretch out and leave the world to it's own worries . As the world survived so long on it's own,,, it knows by now how to do that,,without help,,,without meddling ,,without watching it turn,,,,
It's a gift, a talent : don't go for yoga,,,don't go for 'working out', don't turn on the tele so ya can put ya mind on 'below zero' watching ppl who think they can sing,,dance or even do politics,,,be a cat ! Be Merlin the cat !
Every move he makes has its purpose : Lost in thoughts,he walks in a perfect circle,,, once,, twice,,, three times,,, then a sudden noise startles him,,he looks up,,,eyes all wide ,,all alert,,,turns his head and looks at me,,,he winks,,,and then he starts over : one circle,,two,,, and he stretches ,,,
Oh, ya wish ya knew his secret,eh ,,,ya can just ''sense'' how good that stretching feels ,,,every muscle gets his turn,,,even the hairs on top of his ears seem to grow longer,,,
Then he 'slides' on to the floor,,,turns on his side and looks at me,,,slowly I see how he falls asleep,,,,and I feel privileged,,,I'm part of a magical moment,,,just before the beautiful green and yellow eyes close, I see a glimps of another world,,,where nothing bothers you,,,where all is at ease,,beyond peace,,I think cats found the nirvana long before religion did,,,
It's dark outside,,the window is like a mirror reflecting, like a bad photo,my cosy lil puter- room,,,,,black velvet outside,,,but that doesn't matter ,,, here,it's warm and quiet,,,and it's time to 'be Merlin' . So,,,I'll cuddle up to my pillow,,,and if I'm lucky ,,a lil ball of fur at my feet will try to teach me one more time how to go to sleep ,,,,softly,,,without a care in the world,,,,
That is if I can manage not to move ,,,cause lil claws will protect first of all,,,,Merlins'dreams !
Nite nite,,,,,,,

Another Sunday Afternoon

Another Sunday afternoon,

I've been neglecting this blog,,,shame on me. Excuses? I've got a lot,,,and they are all true but none of'm, really is one,,,
Where do you start when a lot of time has passed by? I moved recently,,,found a new appartement, close to where my daughter lives,,,Now,I'm a city girl,before I lived in a village,,and I grew up on a farm,,,maybe the circle is round ,,,I am where I'm supposed to be.
I'm fifty,,,and life goes on, maybe a lil slower,,,there are aches,,,and there is my memory that sometimes doesn't do it's job,,,lil things are a bit harder but the smiles are still there,,,maybe I don't laugh as much as I did,,,but I smile a lot more,,,,
So,,,,what's left ? I'm sorta happy,,,not discontented,,,not by far !
Ofcourse there's the struggle to get all bills payed,,,the fight to meet the goals I need to reach,,,there's work,,,things to see,,,to do,,,
There are new things,,,things I love doing,,,there's Cosy Clan Radio : playing my music ,,, surprizing friends with tunes which make them smile,,,
There it is again : 'smile'. Which can mean so many different things : understanding,,, listening,,,knowing,,,sweet expectation,,,surprize,,,looking or listening to the one ya love,,,first baby steps,,,feeling the sun on my skin,,,watching my cat sleep,,,
There is that moment in a movie that brings on the tears,,,but ya keep'm inside and they turn into crystals ,,and ya view is suddenly blurry,,, remember the kaleidoscope ? Colors all flowing into eachother till ya forgot how the outside world looked like?,,,but it made ya smile,,,in wonder,,,
I've been listening to Joni Mitchell : I looked at life from both sides now,,,from win and lose and still somehow,,,it's lifes illusions I recall,,,I really don't know life at all,,,,
This is a rainy sunday afternoon and rather chilly,,,it's June and it's cold,,,and I'm kinda in tune with the weather,,,maybe the sun will come out,,,I do see a speck of blue through the raindrops. Ya know what?,,,There has to be something more,,,cause this is not all there is,,,not by far !
So,,,well,,,bring on the rains ,,,even the thunderstorms of life,,,I'll take'm,,,,with a smile !

lazy sunday morning

Well,,,Sunday again and the Maple leafs kicked butt ,,,I know it didn't look like we were gonna make it but hey,,,,we're scrappers,,,and watching the game in relay,on a Belgian Sunday morning is almost as good,,,because I just peeked eh,,,,and saw the scores on the net.
I was gonna say : " Well,,just beginning of the season lol,we'll win the next one ",,cause at the moment that i write this, 'les Canadiens' are 3 to 1 ahead ,,,but knowing that overtime will get US ,(that's Go Leafs Go,lol) the victory is sweet !
I went to an all-girls school,,,and boys were creatures we saw on the bus to school or watched (without being seen watching) when they hung around at the busstop. They were acting cool and we were acting like we didn't see that,eh. They mostly talked sports and I had an older brother that played soccer,,,which is as big a hype in Belgium as hockey is in Canada. So at home we watched soccer eventhough three girls enriched the family after the firstborn male,,,,to make it a tight package ,we had a lil bro to top it all off and make the family complete, I had to mention this just to fill ya'll in properly eh.
Soccer was big in our house,,,so was cycling,,,no game or contest was missed,,,and so us girls knew a lot about it,eh. We knew what off-side was before we were eleven,,,,also knew not to 'talk gibberish' during a game,,,and ya know what? Dad was right about that : how can ya concentrate, how can ya 'feel' the game and enjoy it if ya talking about trivial things ?
Hence my love for sports although I'm just a couch-potato-sports-lover, it was the start for me to love a lot of sports : you name it, I like it,,,and I'll ask untill i understand the rules and I'll pick a team,,,I'll sit on the tip of my 'couch' when I can catch a game of the Brisbane lions,,,for sure.
Now, how did a Belgian girl get interested in the Toronto Maple Leafs?
Well,,,they tricked me into it,,,but I'm a loyal one,,,,being a leo ya pick ya team and ya stick by'm,,,come rain or shine so I'll never leave the leafs,,,no chance,,sorry lol !
At that time I was a baby chatter,,,I pretty well stuck to chatting in one room,,,one I still have a soft spot for eventhough it's gone : I grew up there,,,learned the values of a good chatroom, and learned how to host people. The host and owner of that room was and is my roll-model, ,,she 'felt' people,,their needs , but also saw right through the whining and the 'look-at-me-i'm-the-Gods-gift-to women/men-routine',,,I learned a lot from her,,,most importantly her caring for her chatters,,,whom she called friends.
Ok,,,Belgian,,,,Maple Leafs Toronto,,,,well,,,one evening I entered chat and there was an animated convo going on,,,,and every three or four sentences there was this 'Go leafs Go',,,,which made me curious cause Foxy had absolutely no idea what leafs were,,,to me the leafs fell of the trees and I knew what a Maple tree was,,,beautifull in fall,,,majestic in summer.
So I asked ,,, and I got my answer, but not before eh, I shouted : 'GO LEAFS GO',,,and I did ,,,,ofcourse I did,,,,then told the belgian girly it was ice-hockey and they all had a lot of fun eh,,,explaining the rules to me : All together now: "hit ya opponent if he's in the way,,,a good fight makes the game exciting,,,this is a canadian sport,,,this is THE canadian soul ,its blood and bones !",,,,and they liked it that I was excited and not went : 'ohhh ,such a violent sport,,,ooohh,,,they hit eachother".
Oh come on,get serious : " If ya can't stand the heat, stay out of the kichen,,,if ya can't cut it stay of the ice ! It's rough ,true that,,,but it's so exciting so see the moves,,,the swiftness,,,the game,,,beauty eh !"
In that room , I was part of the euphoria ,the overwhelming enthusiasm,,,and i missed that from my childhood days,,,nothing binds people more than their team winning ! And they were good-humored about it,,,they excepted the fact that ya can't win'm all,,,they talked about the players of other teams with admiration : they were proud and that is what made me smile. That night in chat,,,and other times made me fall in love with the canadian spirit, the way they look at things,,,I'll always have a soft spot for'm,,, sue me lol,,,

Fall

It's been ages since I been in here,,,,life got in the way,like it so often does for so many people. Meanwhile the summer is walking ,with dignity, i admit but defo walking to the next year,,,where she might pop up and then again might not.
It wasn't much of a summer in Belgium,,,some warm days but i missed the warmth that goes right through your skin and settles in your bones,,,that through and through feeling of being warm and strong.
Fall seems to start gloomy,,,with cloudy days,,,grey and no outspoken statement : the leafs are still green,,,except for some that - the papers say - is the fault of a lil tiny butterfly.
That brave lil one ventured up north,,,found a ton of food and a rather mild, wet summer.
The fruit of the loins of the butterfly is now eating away at stems and leaves ,,,playing Jack Frost,,,who was responsable for the colorful fall before. There's been no summer,,there's no fall,,,ya know, I almost long for a real tough cold winter,,,with snow and freezing temps and red noses ,,,,,but still ,,be careful what ya wish for Fox : your hair turned white,,,so that might be snow enough for ya,,,,think of the birds,,,the people and be happy with a wet winter,,,less dangerous for all.
Caravan radio has been keeping me busy,,,it's a thrill though,,,it's exciting and new,,,but it's getting a drug too. I always knew music was very important in my life,,,I can't imagine what it is to be deaf,,,and not hear the perfect sound of a violin,,,or a voice that booms with happiness ,,,the dance ya hear in it,,,the joy,,,the pain sometimes,,,the color of a voice tells me more than a face or eyes.
I notice the voice first ,,,not the eyes or the smile.
And radio is all about sounds,,,it's more a part of your life than television or a movie ya see in the cinema,,,,You come home and you turn on the sounds,,,,and the room fills itself with life,,,you don't feel alone,,,somebody is there, talking,,,playing music and it is like it's just for you.
When my good friend , Rogue,who is a great dj on Caravan radio,,,brought up the idea of me being a dj,,,I hesitated,,,not because the timeconsuming factor,,,heck ,time is something i'll never have but always will make,,,He told me about the intense feeling of playing music for people ,,,making them smile and I saw his joy,,,so I took lil steps and yes,,,as often,,,he was right ! For a man with less patience than a clock that runs 10 mins forward,,,he sure has the rare ability to wait for my heart and soul and brain to grasp an idea and make it mine.
It was like that time when I was pondering about having the radio in my chatroom,,,I doubted too,,,That chatroom is very ,very precious to me,,,cause it's not just a place,,,a screen where ya type words,,,it's a home,,it's people,,,friends,,,and talking to them,,,listening to them, is a big part of my life that I cherish.
But the radio ,the music, the fun music brought us ,is something i couldn't imagine,,,it is so good. So, I'm glad I did agree when DJ Nomad , another of our wonderful DJ's,,,the heart and soul of Carvan,,,asked me to add the music to our chat.
And Caravan radio is growing,,,it's going great,,,and my friends like it,,,dance to it,,,and enjoy it,,,so it's good ,,,it's better then before.
And although the summer might be gone and the world looks as if it's going to sleep ,,like it's going into hibernation,,,,life moves on,,,on the tunes of a song that brings a warm ,cosy breeze,,,caresses your skin and makes ya warm right into the core of your bones.

50

It's been awhile,,,,and I don't know why darkness urges me to write,,,only the zoommmm of my computer ,which is finally fixed,,,keeps me company and oh , yes,,,the ticking of the clock behind me. Time,,,maybe I been thinking about time lately because I reached the big 50 today,,,
I loved today,,,and I feel fifty, which is not a bad thing,,,,I made it this far ! Somehow it feels asif I done my job,,,I raised my kid,,,and she's a good woman. Gratitude is a word I got more respect for now, because I got her to be thankful for .
I raised a child ,gave her values, told her that honesty is the greatest good,,showed her that mistakes are normal but, cliché, you learn from them. And God and the world knows I made mistakes too,,,I am glad that, some immediatly, some over time,,,I reallized I made these mistakes so I could correct them. I did put them right, brought them into daylight, sometimes with pain, often ashamed but I never ran from them or the world.
And I believe that therefore she will never run,,,and if she encounters a wall higher then she can climb or a sea wider then she can oversee? If she gets tangled up in everydays lil problems, twisted into a knot that even Alexander the Great can't hack through? I will still be there,,,The hardest thing for me will be : not to try to blast the mountains before she can bump into them. She is strong and able to do what is right. My job is to respect that.
50,,,,half a century? In a way it feels longer,,, as I didn't do much,,, didn't make a name for myself,,, I'm not a celebrity,,, I didn't invent anything to help mankind, I didn't change the world,,but still it feels longer : every moment was full,,,not every moment happy or easy though but it all adds up to fifty years on this earth.
And I don't regret one of them,,, Do I wish that things would be different at the moment? Yes ! But there is time and the adventure goes on,,,it doesn't stop here ! There is so much to do still,,, so much to see, so much to feel, mmmmmmmh,,, oh yes,,, I got concrete plans there,,, I wanna burn with desire,,,rage with passion,,, laugh outloud because I'm happier then I ever was ! I wanna smile and see him look at me, with a knowing lil smile,,,
One day there will be a story here that doesn't sound this content or friendly,,, I do have days I don't like life, my world or the way things go,,, but that'll be then,,,
Now,,, when the dark ,the clock and the computer keeps me in a cosy bubble I'm well with most things and that includes being fifty and being me .

summer

"Here ,when I watch the time go by",,,,Fame,,,"Starmaker",,,a song that was born long ago and modified to express the feelings of a group of actors saying goodbye to a dying man,,,,a man they loved,,, and it showed. You could feel it ,,,

Hearing and being allowed to share a sentiment that was this pure and got expressed with all of ones soul and heart gave me and still gives me goosebumps.

That song makes me sad in a way but it also makes me ecstaticly happy and I don't need headphones to shut out the world,,,I hear the song inside me, as if there was nobody around ,,,not even me .

It's like something is bubbling up inside of me,,,bursting to get out,,,it starts way deep, way down. It rises up till it reaches a lil spot behind my ears and it burns there. Ever felt the skin at the back of ya neck thingle? Some songs do that to me and I'm gratefull,,,to be able to feel that, I'm so lucky,,,

Sometimes the things we do,turn out bigger and sort of amazing. They start to lead a life of their own as if they get a soul.

The painting of the sunflowers, by Van Gogh, makes me feel summer.

Summer is a season,,,the word marks a period of time in a year,,,but the 'feeling of summer'?

I remember the summers when I was a kid,,,we lived, all of us, five kids and mom and dad on a little farm,,,,we had one cow eh,some calfs,,,lots of rabbits,,,mmmh,,I can recall one chicken and some turkeys but most of all we had time,,,,

Time to be a kid,,,to run in the fields,,,to work in the hay,,,yes, we worked,,,but it never felt as working.

We had time to sit in the sun and feel the hot fur of the cats snoozing beside ya,,,

I recall the summer my oldest brother, about sixteen at the time, got an old car. He worked on the old bag of rust with my dad till it actually started and he drove up and down the meadow,,around the old plum tree, proud as a peacock.

We had pretty good voices in those days,,,we had to call'm when the 'Tour de France' was on tele eh,,,and ya could hear us " Andréééeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" cause ya had to shout over the terrible rumble of the old motor eh,,,I think the whole neighbourhood set his clock on our yelling : time to take a break ,watch the finish,with a beer .

The larks were high up in the sky,,,the sky was as blue as the eyes of my mother smiling,,,and the warmth of those days were not only the weather,,,it was all of us together,,,and us kids didn't have a care in the world. Life was easier,,,say what ya want,,,it was.

That was summer and Van Goghs' yellow sunflowers bring that back to me,,,,and the song , expressing the warmth and love for a co worker that was a friend ,,,gives me the same wonderful feeling to be thankful to be alive .

And I hope the same for you all,,,

Thinking,,,

Doubting weather today : clouds,,,some showers and then suddenly there's the sun,,,hot,,,bright and making the wet world steam. It's sundayafternoon,and it's pretty quiet outside,,,the birds are having a siesta,,,por favor no ruido. A car starts ,,,and the humming noise blends in with the silence. Does one ever listens to all the sounds a day brings ? Neil Diamond wrote a song about it : 'What a beautiful noise,,,coming out of the street,,,,' The whole world is made of some sort of music,,,and I'm so gratefull I can hear them : the rooster at 4 am in the morning,,,the donkey that greets the moon ( I wouldn't know what else he would raise his rasping ,honklike voice at ) the frogs in the pond,,,a mosquito buzzing,,, Wait I draw the line there ! There is nothing as annoying as a mosquito looking for a warm spot of skin at 3 in the morning.

The smoke of my cigarette crinkles up,,,putting the screen of my computer in a bit of a haze,,,I smoke a lot,,,if you count the missing ' comfort-stressrelieving-healthhazardous 'sticks, when I put them away before I go to bed at night. But most of them easily smoke themselves and I am not picky,,,I let them, as the smell takes me back,,,to days long ago,,,when the world was easier, because I was a child then.

Thinking,,,making your brain rack up the beads on the abacus of past days,,,,trying to understand why what happened,,,,I think so I exist. It marks us as 'human beings' ,,,,or was that the ability to smile,,,to laugh ?

Most of my actions are born out of instinct,,,on what feels right or wrong,,,Logic was never my forté eventhough I had a serious crush on Mr Spock (not the man who told ya how to raise your kids but the Vulcan) . Logic people make me feel safe,,,they don't act out of character,,,you can count on them,,,they hold the world in their hands and knows what makes life tick,,,, I admire that,,,I love a neatly organized cabinet,,,and spoons where spoons should be : next to the forks and knifes and the lil spoons ,,,

Where do ya put the lil forks ?,,,mine are roaming, sometimes they visit the big forks eh,,,,but they feel kinda uneasy there,,,so they mostly snug in with the lil spoons...Nobody ever bothers the knifes,,,bit lonely they are, as a german sheppard in a poodle kennel,,,handy though to kill a big watermellon,,,

Pondering,,,I like that word,,,on a sunday afternoon,,,when it's quiet outside and only the clock chimes inside,,,nice word,,,better then thinking,,,,